“Sometimes, I wish that everything’s free”

“Maan gising ka na, malalate ka sa school.” I remember waking up to the voice of our househelper, reminding me that the school service is about to arrive. I was in high school back then. I would rush to the bathroom and prepare for school. When I’m ready, I always ask where my parents are and our househelper will say that they went to the office early or that they are still sleeping because they arrived home late last night. It seems like I only see my parents twice a week and during weekends. They are always busy with their work and they barely have time to stay at home and watch tv with me and my siblings. We grew up with our househelper. She takes good care of us; she is a part of our family. But, isn’t it much better if our parents are also there with us?

How does it feel to wake up every day and have breakfast with your whole family? It’s not that we’re not able to do that but it is very seldom, like in weekends only. How does it feel like to tell your mom stories on what happened to school? How does it feel to be helped by your dad in your math homework? How does it feel to watch even a single movie with your whole family? How does it feel to always have your parents at home?

I understand that they are working for the well-being of our family. Yes, they are giving us what we asked for. They are doing everything to provide us with food, clothing, etc. But, I’m contented with what we have now. I know that money is very essential everywhere today, but why is it? Sometimes, I wish that everything’s free. If that happens then maybe my parents could just stay at home and be with me and my siblings. We can have breakfast together every day or even lunch and dinner, we can watch tons of movies, we can do the household chores together, and we can be a simple and ordinary family. If only, everything is free and they don’t have to work all day and all night.

I don’t know if I’m just being selfish, but I really miss my parents now. If when I was in high school I get to see them 4 times a week, but now that I’m in college and I’m living in Baguio city I can only be with them once or twice a month. I need my mom’s hug and my daddy’s comforting words. I wish that I could’ve spent more time with them before I went to college. I wish that they were not very busy with work so that our family will be complete most of the time. This is, actually, one reason why I want to finish school with a great degree. I want to find a stable and perfect job so that my parents don’t have to work harder than ever. I will help them in everything. I’m waiting for the time when I can give back to my parents. I’ll work hard for this to happen. Having everything for free may seem impossible, but looking for a good job and helping my parents is something that I know that I can achieve. In this way, we can always be together. 

That Thing Called Infatuation

Teenagers, most of the time, are the usual victims of the risks of the so called “infatuation.” Some of them think and believe that “He’s the one and I’ll do everything for him!” others would tell “He/she is my forever”.  Teens experience infatuation and mistakenly regard it as love.  But what concerns me the most is that not only teens experience this, even those who are younger became no exception.

One of the best psychologists, Michelle Drew, said that “infatuation is a static process characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without positive growth and development. Characterized by a lack of trust, lack of loyalty, lack of commitment, lack of reciprocity, an infatuation is not necessarily foreplay for a love scenario. That’s when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to center your priorities around him/her as well”

            A story which is going viral on social media can be an example of this thing called infatuation. It was about a grade 6 student who “proposed” to his “crush”, a fifth grader and asked the girl if she can be his girlfriend. He sang to her and gave her a teddy bear. The girl acted pressured, which can be observed through her behavior. The spectators gone wild when the girl answered the boy a “yes”.

But, infatuation on the other hand, is not always a bad thing. Yes, the feeling of infatuation drives you crazy but your feelings for someone may also keep you going. It motivates and inspires you to do the things you thought you cannot. But sometimes, its consequences may also impose danger. One of the effects infatuation can give is the loss of ability to make rational evaluations of what is true, valuable and worthy. When you are infatuated, you would usually want to be around that person as much as you can which may sometimes also be related to sexual desire. Thus, sometimes, this infatuation that teenagers feel leads to one of the growing societal issues – teenage pregnancy.

 As what I have watched from another story, basically a documentary film, teenage girls in a certain community in the Philippines are getting pregnant at an early age. It all started from teasing; feelings were then developed, togetherness heightened and then one day the girl was just found out to be already having a baby. In such case, the feeling of infatuation was proven to be dominated, for it is a scenario where reckless commitment satisfies one's all consuming lust. (Diffen.com)

What I really want to say is that, teenagers like me should be mindful enough of the dangers that an infatuation can give. Not all of its effects are necessarily beneficial. Most of the time, if not controlled, it may lead to undesirable consequences. Parents, who provide guidance, must also take their parts in educating their children, especially now that almost everything around can make fast influences on little and innocent minds.  

Is Platonic Love Still Possible?

I can remember having a serious talk with my friends one night. We talked everything about life and sex was also included in the topics. Some of my friends admitted that they are not virgins anymore, those who said they haven’t done it yet was willing to engage in this premarital sex. I was in complete shock, I never thought they would do those things as early as now, but it never lessened my respect for them and nothing had changed. But it made me think, is platonic love still possible?

Platonic love, by its modern definition, is loving a person with all of your soul and not with your body. It is like having intimacy but no sexual means; in simple words, pure love and without lust.

It is most prevalent in our generation that the youth are becoming more and more liberated and seemingly departed from the traditional Filipino culture of conservatism when it comes to sex. Before sex was a sacred thing and a thing to do only when you are already married and have a purpose of procreation; but today, it is only for the satisfaction of bodily pleasures. The bothersome thing is that teenagers who usually engage in it do not have any intimate relationship with the partner. This does not only bring sex into a lowly thing but it also brings different contemporary issues such as teenage pregnancy and spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Factors leading to these can be attributed to usage of technological innovations which allow them to find partners easily; and exposure to pornography.[1]

When I asked my friends how did it feel when they lose ‘it’ and how about the thoughts of their future husbands, they said that it was nothing but a casual thing and they were confident that it was not a big deal ‘since everyone is doing it nowadays’.

Indeed, the traditional concept of love and sex is fading. Platonic love may still be possible but only among the parent and child, or some friend. But in other intimate types of relationship, I’m afraid it is long gone.

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[1] Aquino, Tricia. “1 in 3 Filipino youth aged 15-24 has engaged in premarital sex – survey”. Retrieved from    

http://www.interaksyon.com/article/80226/1-in-3-filipino-youth-aged-15-24-has-engaged-in-premarital-sex---survey/ Accesed on May 7, 2015

Sometimes things will never go out the way you want them to be. Sometimes you’ll feel that you don’t like how people treat you the way they are. More often, you’ll try to shake those off but sometimes you just can’t.

I wonder why I get so mad easily. Why do I get so down easily, why am I offended and pissed off easily? Why do I get depressed with such trivial things? I always ask these questions to myself and the answer is always nowhere to be found.

It is hard to control these things; it is hard to pretend that something does not hurt you were in fact it really does hurt you. Struggle is normal but struggling with some sparkle of depression is not a good thing. I don’t even know how to be depressed. The internet just prescribed it and thrown it to me. It’s difficult to deal with this, I’ve seen it many times maybe not that bad just like how other people have it but hey it’s still depression. Our mental strength is always in battle, a battle for the will of not dying. Have you ever woken up one day telling yourself why I am still here? And you just stare at a distance thinking how fucked up life is and you’re just there, reluctant to do anything. Not even to speak. Like there is a void inside you, a hole that is swallowing you wholly. The world doesn’t give a damn. It will continue to flourish even without you or me. And do you know what’s the worst thing? It’s when the universe conspired these miserable events in your life as if it is mocking you and you know how other people get away with this? Their answer is suicide, it’s not even an option for them, sometimes it’s the only way around.

If I were to write a suicide note, it would probably  look like this...

Partially I don’t blame you guys, I am easily depressed and you don’t know how capable I am to overthink. See it’s wired within me. Sadly, I was very unlucky to be born in a country wherein people have more serious problems than to bother knowing what depression is and what it’s capable of inflicting to people. Probably lack of information dissemination, should I blame the government then? No, I don’t expect anything from the government because it never really care for its people. It cares only for the reputation of our country and not to the individuals.

For the people who claim to know me, some of you might feel guilty about my death but what can I do? Your own emotions are haunting you. Nah, just kidding. … Now that I’m dead, I wish the promptness of my death awaken something inside you. Don’t wait until everything is too late.

Don’t cry for me, be real you’re crying because I left, you’re crying for your own sake. Instead, be happy for me, be happy that I already overcome the pretension of not rotting inside. I am fine wherever I am right now so don’t sulk. Sorry if I gave up, it’s my choice so don’t worry.

And one more thing, don’t give me your pity cause I don’t need it.

"I'm gay."

Two words in just two seconds were all it took for my best friend to completely change in front of my eyes after seven years of friendship. I couldn't utter a reply. I know he was expecting me to say or ask something but I just kept staring at him like a mindless baboon. It was like I'm experiencing an existential crisis. Is this real? How? Why? When? My insides were screaming out.

"When.. did you re-realize?" I managed to choke out.

"Since I was 12 years old. I tried to stop this feelings. I was confused for a very long time. I thought it was because my Dad left when my parents separated. I had no father figure to follow and my Mom and my Grandmother are all I have left. Marsh, you know it ruined my childhood. I feel lost. I still don't know. All I'm certain is that I have feelings for John. Please understand me."

I took hold of his hand and gripped it tightly. As I gazed on his eyes, I saw the lost and sad boy within. I remembered the times we spent hours of talking in hushed tones while he said how much he missed his parents together, how he's angry at his father for abandoning them and his mom neglecting him. This time was no exception. I cleared my throat and said,

"I'm here."

The struggle of the first born child

Since I was a kid, I considered being a first-born child as a major curse. At first, the reason was just too simple; I had to give in to my younger sister in all situation, which was really annoying. But growing up gave me more reasons to do so and here are some of them:

1. I cannot just do things like people of my age do because there are so many things concerning my parents to be considered.

2.  In making my decisions, I never really get to consider my own thoughts and feelings because I always have to put my parents first and what would they say. Although they don’t tell me that that should be the case, they always make me feel that what I am doing is wrong and I have to do what they are saying to make it right.

3. I cannot express myself because all that was put in my mind since I was a kid is to remember to keep from making them disappointed. In my 17 years, I think everything I have done was to please them.

4. There is too much pressure and responsibility. My parents always say that I should be like this and like that because I will take in charge of our family in the future.

I am always envious of my younger sister because she has all the way to enjoy her life. My parents do not put pressure on her studies as much as they do to me, she is allowed to do everything she wants to do with her friends, and they let her decide for herself. Aside from that, she is never afraid to take risks because there are not too many expectations that she has to meet. Another effect of the things above is I became a walking book of secrets especially to my parents. I do not disclose myself too much to them because I remember during earlier times, they only care when it is something about school or my grades. Moreover, I am afraid that they will be upset with whatever I will say because they have too much expectations.

To sum it up, in my perspective being a first-born child is an endless struggle of fulfilling the insurmountable expectations of your parents, conforming to their ideals, doing as they say, and living your life for them based on my experience. Sometimes it sucks too much that I wish to change the birth order of me and my sister, especially whenever I feel like it is a hindrance for me to grow more and learn more in life. Most of the time I feel that I am not yet enough, nonetheless, seeing my parents’ smiles whenever I did something that is pleasing to them is enough to pay all the things I missed in having fun and living a lighter life.

If I become a parent...

Hearing the noise, you immediately get up from your bed, it’s Saturday morning, and everyone is busy. All mothers have their baskets on the way to market; fathers are busy working on their timberworks; and there you are with your worn pajamas and marks on your face brought by good sleep, excitedly running to your friends.

Being a child, how did your life went through? If you will be given the chance to go back, will you take that opportunity or you’ll just settle contentedly with whatever at this very moment?

I guess if I had only known the fact that the way I will be raised could mean a lot to the way I will suppose to grow up, and then maybe, I can be more than who I am today.

I came from a family where having time to be with each other can be considered as indeed one of the most challenging part to pursue. My mother would usually spend at least twelve hours for office works and my father would be on farm most of his hours. Time has only allowed the night for us to be able to somehow spend time together as one family. And that had become our daily routine back then when I was still a child.

I can still clearly remember how I had to live as if I am being watched for every move that I make. I have to be cautious enough not to make a single mistake because I have to live with such strict rules and regulations from every corner of the house. Back then, I had always wished I could have the opportunity to change that kind of life. I had always asked for the choice to pick who my parents would be. I thought maybe with that, I could have been just like the other kids out there and maybe I could have had better kind of life I had always wanted.

It may be true that I never felt that pain I had to endure physically. But, here inside of me, it hurts so badly. Those words from them were more than just like thousands of knives stabbing me, breaking me down to pieces every time. I had lived feeling as if I was just a mere plastic, which has to follow the stream of water without any strength to go the other way around. There were so many do’s and don’ts and that would always drive me to ask, why? What’s wrong with wanting to enjoy? Why do I feel like I was being robbed of the chance to live as a child, as freely I can? I don’t understand. And all I know back then was the fact that it was too painful.

Reading has become a high order that I need to follow. I was never allowed to play just like the other kids would do because they would always tell me that the world is dangerous. Whenever I accidentally broke a glass, instead of asking me whether I was hurt or not, they would scold me with those harsh words of them. I cannot also be like those children playing under the rain nor those watching cartoons on TV. I would always be demanded to study instead. I have to be perfect. I have to do everything perfectly or else, I’ll surely disappoint them with my acts.

Time passed and I have lived just like that. Look at me now. I can’t dare to do something different. I can’t get myself out of the prison. I can’t have the courage to live my life the way I wanted it to be. Every time I try, there’s always this thing inside my head telling me “no, you shouldn’t do that”. I always feel like, with one wrong move I will lose everything I have. Look, I can’t even have much of what they call ‘friends’. I was so afraid. I was so afraid that I might be imperfect.

I can’t understand I have to live that way. I have so many questions. What’s wrong with playing under the rain? What’s wrong with enjoying with your friends? Why do I feel like I can’t be a child though literally I was one of them? Why do I feel like there’s nothing more to life than school and the house rules? Am I not supposed to do the opposites of these things? But all of these remained as questions.

I can’t blame myself for becoming who I am today. Or would always make myself believe that it’s not me who put me into this kind of life. I had been so coward, shy, fearful, introvert. Many people would label me as a ‘snob’ for the fact that I can’t have the courage to socialize. I had been through all of these things because you taught me that every one of them out there was needed to treat as enemies.

I want change. I want all of these to be something different. For once in my life, I want to enjoy. I want to define my own self. And for me to do that? I have to get myself out from all of the restrictions I had been living with throughout my whole life. I am not perfect and I can never be perfect. Everyone is entitled with their own imperfections.

Someday, if I ever become a parent, I will not deprive my children of the life they should live--the one full of happiness and freedom. I will support them in every way I can, let them experience the world and let them learn through their own ways. I’ll be there to guide them but never to restrict their activities just inside the four corners of our home. I will dare them to do things they love, make a difference ad be a good member of the society where they belong to.