If I become a parent...

Hearing the noise, you immediately get up from your bed, it’s Saturday morning, and everyone is busy. All mothers have their baskets on the way to market; fathers are busy working on their timberworks; and there you are with your worn pajamas and marks on your face brought by good sleep, excitedly running to your friends.

Being a child, how did your life went through? If you will be given the chance to go back, will you take that opportunity or you’ll just settle contentedly with whatever at this very moment?

I guess if I had only known the fact that the way I will be raised could mean a lot to the way I will suppose to grow up, and then maybe, I can be more than who I am today.

I came from a family where having time to be with each other can be considered as indeed one of the most challenging part to pursue. My mother would usually spend at least twelve hours for office works and my father would be on farm most of his hours. Time has only allowed the night for us to be able to somehow spend time together as one family. And that had become our daily routine back then when I was still a child.

I can still clearly remember how I had to live as if I am being watched for every move that I make. I have to be cautious enough not to make a single mistake because I have to live with such strict rules and regulations from every corner of the house. Back then, I had always wished I could have the opportunity to change that kind of life. I had always asked for the choice to pick who my parents would be. I thought maybe with that, I could have been just like the other kids out there and maybe I could have had better kind of life I had always wanted.

It may be true that I never felt that pain I had to endure physically. But, here inside of me, it hurts so badly. Those words from them were more than just like thousands of knives stabbing me, breaking me down to pieces every time. I had lived feeling as if I was just a mere plastic, which has to follow the stream of water without any strength to go the other way around. There were so many do’s and don’ts and that would always drive me to ask, why? What’s wrong with wanting to enjoy? Why do I feel like I was being robbed of the chance to live as a child, as freely I can? I don’t understand. And all I know back then was the fact that it was too painful.

Reading has become a high order that I need to follow. I was never allowed to play just like the other kids would do because they would always tell me that the world is dangerous. Whenever I accidentally broke a glass, instead of asking me whether I was hurt or not, they would scold me with those harsh words of them. I cannot also be like those children playing under the rain nor those watching cartoons on TV. I would always be demanded to study instead. I have to be perfect. I have to do everything perfectly or else, I’ll surely disappoint them with my acts.

Time passed and I have lived just like that. Look at me now. I can’t dare to do something different. I can’t get myself out of the prison. I can’t have the courage to live my life the way I wanted it to be. Every time I try, there’s always this thing inside my head telling me “no, you shouldn’t do that”. I always feel like, with one wrong move I will lose everything I have. Look, I can’t even have much of what they call ‘friends’. I was so afraid. I was so afraid that I might be imperfect.

I can’t understand I have to live that way. I have so many questions. What’s wrong with playing under the rain? What’s wrong with enjoying with your friends? Why do I feel like I can’t be a child though literally I was one of them? Why do I feel like there’s nothing more to life than school and the house rules? Am I not supposed to do the opposites of these things? But all of these remained as questions.

I can’t blame myself for becoming who I am today. Or would always make myself believe that it’s not me who put me into this kind of life. I had been so coward, shy, fearful, introvert. Many people would label me as a ‘snob’ for the fact that I can’t have the courage to socialize. I had been through all of these things because you taught me that every one of them out there was needed to treat as enemies.

I want change. I want all of these to be something different. For once in my life, I want to enjoy. I want to define my own self. And for me to do that? I have to get myself out from all of the restrictions I had been living with throughout my whole life. I am not perfect and I can never be perfect. Everyone is entitled with their own imperfections.

Someday, if I ever become a parent, I will not deprive my children of the life they should live--the one full of happiness and freedom. I will support them in every way I can, let them experience the world and let them learn through their own ways. I’ll be there to guide them but never to restrict their activities just inside the four corners of our home. I will dare them to do things they love, make a difference ad be a good member of the society where they belong to.